Gary Barlow to bring Bitches, Bling and Class A drugs to the X Factor

In an audacious attempt to introduce some "credibility" to the Saturday night suicide-provoking parade of desperate low-life tools, the Take That frontman hopes to bring forward gold-carrot necklaces, vaginas on plates and a heightened focus on the art of sniffing cocaine off of supermodels' tits.

The news came after a report that Gary Barlow was "shocked and appalled" over the sexualised performances, which caused so much controversy amongst 12 Daily Mail readers.

Barlow, speaking to low-budget gossip magazine, The Sun, "When I was watching - and I have a 10 and a 8 year old watching it - the Christina Aguilera stuff was just too much for me", re-affirming Britain’s ubiquitous fear of the female thigh, present amongst all males over the age of 40.

However, Barlow’s concerns took a U-Turn when his 10 year-old son, Gaz Baz Jr. accurately pointed out, “This shit is nothing compared to 2 Girls 1 Cup”, insisting “Dad, this is shy man’s porn next to some of the filth I’ve seen on the internet. In fact, I was quite surprised Rihanna’s performance didn’t culminate with three ambiguous, grunting, Neanderthal-like creatures violating every hole on her body. Nostrils an’ everythin’.”

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Speaking to Melody Moaner, Gary Barlow has explained how now, in light of his son’s acute observations, he plans to eradicate the “stark realism” that has become the focus of the show, with the subtle introduction of more gangsta rap. Barlow said, “Gaz Baz Jr. is right. We need to use more “street” methods to the kidz, because the kidz have access to much more interesting things on the internet.”

To start with, all the personal tragedy sob stories will now be exclusively accompanied by excplicit versions of N.W.A and Wu-Tang Clan songs, regardless of how insensitive it seems. Then soon enough we’ll have bitches all over the judges table, pampering us with whatever we might well need. Cigars, juicy blunts, gin and juice, crack, smack. You name it, these bitches gonna bring it.”

Long term X-Factor antagonist Blake Hemmingway, expressed his delight at the focus change, saying “Izzzzz it. As ifffffff. Shit is gonna be LIVE now da Garry B is bringing those bitches, that bling and that CRE-DI-BI-LA-TEEEEEE!”

Patrick McDonnell, a pensive author from Northern Ireland who has read over 10,000 crime fiction novels, received the news earlier today and proceeded to crawl into a ball in the corner of his study, before sobbing quietly and repeatedly beating himself over the head with a hammer until he was pissing blood and had lost the ability to see and hear.