X-Factor reject Cher Lloyd, who is actually a fictional character created using CGI and controlled by high-tech artificial intelligence computers which are set solely to think deluded and moronic thoughts, has urged her fans to “Get on the floor, get, get, get on the floor”. Some other gormless, soul-destroying popular acts insisted “Put your drinks up” before swiftly reminding listeners to “Put your drinks up”, whilst Ray J went as far as to say “Just throw your drinks in the air” which linguistic experts have dismissed as careless and irresponsible, and frankly not cost effective and punters may struggle to “Party like you really don’t care” after throwing an over-priced beverage in a distinctly upward motion, thus remaining pretty sober.
Regular clubber Dinksy Boi, who has experienced an epiphany as a result of these strict instructions commented, “I was down the local piss-ridden nightclub in the dead-end suicide inducing town in which I live, doing my normal thing you know – out with the lads suspending ourselves in mid-air whilst our hands and drinks remained firmly on the floor – next thing that happens is the DJ drops a tune by Tinie Tempura Batter or something like that, and I thought “I’m doing this all wrong!” and needless to say, quality of experience has improved two-fold”. Dinksy has taken on board some more of Tinie’s impartial advice and has spent many an evening unconscious on the floor.
Natural scientific phenomenon Gravity contended, “Hey man, I just do my thing, and it’s a thing you can’t really fuck with. I apologise for any inconvenience. Thank you and good day.”
Shit-lyrics analyst Thomas D said, “Well it ain’t exactly John Yeats is it? Let the bastards get on with it, they’ll all be on the dole in a few years”
Melody Moaner recommends boycotting these artists for fear of populating your minds by drawing misleading metaphorical parallels between partying and the general theory of relativity.